It's April Fool's day and I wonder if fate is playing tricks with me. I am not pregnant (again), the year is now 1/4 through and Mayle has shut its doors forever. The thrills and distractions Mayle gave me will always be there in some way, but today it is all over, bar the sample sale. To find out this morning that I am not pregnant was perhaps a twist of the knife I didn't need. I keep hoping I can do this without IVF, even as I am in the system waiting to going ahead, but this morning I was close to giving up. I had a very high possible pregnancy score from Fertility Friend this month but the truth of it is that signs can be deceptive. Indeed, that is something I tell my students, three of whom just popped in and cheered me up with their smiles and chat.
I'm just hoping this next month is my month, just as I have for the last 18-19 months now. It has to happen soon--as I have to rethink my coping tactics of thinking of all that Mayle I can buy and wear while still thin(-ish).
Also, tomorrow I will post lots of Mayle last day photos and a complete recap--or maybe later tonight. Today is a big teaching day and I don't have my camera cord with me in school.
15 comments:
ohh moya, that really stinks. fertility friend be damned, it'll happen, one way or another, for you and evan.
i am trying to figure out a way to make it to the sample sale (i don't know the specifics, except for the date), but it means getting a hotel room and probably traveling alone since matthew has class. so that also means taking the train. amtrak+ace hotel+sample sale=bank account wreck!
leon sends kisses from cambridge, we're all thinking of you!
Thank you, Erica. I can't even get my head around anything other than disappointment. I tried to think this month would be no different from the last 18, but a perfect chart, high possible scores started to give me a little confidence. Not too much--I've been there before--but enough to stay positive. It is such a drag and I feel such a failure. I want to punish myself sometimes for letting me down, but I can't do that.
The sample sale should be late April, btw. I don't know if they have set the dates yet.
Thank Leon for his kisses and thank you for your kindness. My apt. is open to you but I am not sure if it is baby safe with the three cats.
one of the negative things about motherhood is feeling disappointed with your body. i've known so many women who've agonized over breastfeeding, convinced that they were failures. and of course, the whole issue of 'natural' childbirth annoys me so much. but difficulty conceiving is particularly rough, and i really feel for you! why is having a child such a treacherous process for our sanity?
your body will do the best it can, with or without interventions. the fatalist in me believes that when it happens, it will be perfect timing for you and evan, even if it doesn't seem that way at first.
thanks for the offer, i can see my mom clucking her tongue at the thought of 3 cats in an apartment! she spends most of her day scolding my 2 kitties and using the lint roller to obsessively clean all blankets, couches, and shirts.
late april is perfect for us, i can't imagine not being able to make it. i have to give a guest lecture on the 29th, but otherwise, my schedule is wide open.
Moya, I am so sorry! It will happen for you. keep thinking positive thoughts!
moya - i'm so sorry too. it will happen for you, maybe even with IVF!
on a lighter note, i'm looking forward to your mayle recap and pics.
Moya,
I am so sorry to hear this news. But I am very optimistic and know things will work out for you and Evan. I will be thinking positive thoughts!
moya-maybe its the weather today but i really feel for you...like i have said before i am not exactly sure what you are feeling but i can say please do not give up...not on this...some times things are hard but they are that way for a reason...when that day comes when you look into those little eyes and see yourself and evan at the same time...it will be all worth it...please just keep happy, beautiful and swathed in mayle
on another note.. right now i have off the 16 and the 24 so hopefully the sale will fall on one of those weekends... i really want to meet all of you if possible..
yes, happy, strong, positive thoughts, moya, you will do this!!
Moya, I am so sorry to hear that..
It will happen, I believe.
Stay positive - I will pray for you.
Thank you so much, everybody. I am so touched by your support--it has brought me to tears (in a good way). I won't give up but this is so hard and I want it so much, making it more difficult when every month I fail.
Joyce--email pics/description to me at moya[dot]luckett[at]gmail[dot]com.
Pictures tomorrow--lots of them.
Moya, keep your head up. It'll all fall in place when you least expect it. Don't be so hard on yourself - Erica is so right, I see women beat themselves up over so many aspects of birthing and rearing. Your body isn't the enemy, have faith that it is doing the best it can!
moya - i'm thinking of you too! having positive thoughts. it will happen!
Please don't give up!! Stay positive, think about the blessings you already have and don't beat yourself up about your own body! Must be frustrating but try not to stress more than you have to and it will happen when you least expect it. Like everyone else, I'm thinking positively for you. Start thinking about what a wonderful mom you are going to be.
Thank you, Chelsea, Patrickstar and Christina. I get really down about this every month, pick myself up and go on, but some months are harder than others. Usually, that's when I think I may be pregnant (like this month) and it becomes even more difficult to go back to square one.
I really appreciate all your kind words, thoughts and prayers.
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