Spring

It's always nice to be at this point in the academic year: things are not yet over so the summer is intact but in sight, making the last week's slog more doable. It's nice to have the summer still ahead, a blank canvas where all the time is still unspent and not a minute yet wasted. My plans for this summer are suitably ambitious (two conferences, trip home with Severin, completing the second book proposal and a couple of other major projects) but I'm also scheduling time to rest and play with my adorable and not-so-little baby boy.

I can't help but think back to this time last year--newly pregnant, my morning sickness was just starting, helping relieve some of my anxieties about pregnancy loss and blighted ova, With a big, chubby, delicious baby in my life, I can look back warmly and nostalgically to that spring and early summer when I was still steeped in the fears and discomforts that accompany early pregnancy. I'm starting to regain my interest in clothes even though breast feeding makes it difficult to wear so many dresses and I have to watch out for dry clean only fabrics. My little boy also drools and regurgitates so the messiness of new motherhood has not elapsed but somehow I'm better at judging the signs and finding times where I can dress relatively well. I've bought a few bargain dresses (the ICB online sample sale was great, and Club Monaco's sale section tempts me still, especially when there is an additional discount), but shopping remains a largely digital experience. And I still feel large, unattractive and old (the result of seeing a baby's perfect skin next to mine) but right now, I'm not sure I'm that bothered, although I certainly don't intend to let myself go. I'm sure the change in hormones post-pregnancy have something to do with it--as my hair attests (it's falling out and finds itself wound around baby fingers and toes and all other surfaces, nooks and crannies).

Now it's spring, I'm really starting to navigate the world with a pram/stroller and realizing that the MTA isn't exactly designed for new parents and their offspring. Last week we set off early for an appointment with my endocrinologist and due to a mixture of factors (the layout of elevators, helpful fellow passengers and bad signage) I ended up taking a subway train the wrong way and landed in Flushing not Grand Central. Of course I recognized that I was on the wrong train the second the door closed and the conductor announced the next station, but by then it was too late. With four elevators on the entire 7 train, and only one of them--at the last station--ahead of me, I had to ride to the end of the line, increasingly realizing that I would never make it before they closed. One wasted afternoon, cancelled appointment and cancellation fee later, I realised that being a mobile parent in NYC involves more work than I had thought. For our next big trip to the USCIS this Tuesday, I used the Baby Bjorn, which I still don't entirely trust (fears of baby falling on the floor) but it made life easier for me, even though I suspect that my little poppet would have been a little more cosy in his pram. 

Given my recent adventures, I'm wondering what it will be like to travel internationally with my baby. As he is huge for his age (4 months and I'm predicting at least 27 inches and 18 lbs right now), it may not be as comfortable as I'd like but I can't wait for him to meet the rest of his family.

Adjusting

I've been a mother for a little over three months now and feel a little more experienced. Watching my baby grow is an amazing experience--he babbles now, smiles widely when he sees us and seems to find many things funny. He is also almost entirely nocturnal, something that we're trying unsuccessfully to remedy.

As I feel more confident in my maternal skills and my ability to feed my growing boy, I'm also starting to recover my interest in clothing and looking good. I've not lost all the weight I'd like (I'm 2 lbs heavier than at my post-baby thinnest), partly because of the lack of sleep, the need to resort to sugar foods to keep me awake and my relatively sedentary lifestyle since having Severin. Now that the weather is better, I'm taking him on regular walks (I'm the only one doing the walking--he sleeps) and feeling more like I'm part of the world. I don't really have the time to shop and am still limited by the same breast feeding dress restrictions, but somehow I'm beginning to come back into the world. It feels like I have the best of both worlds.

While I don't really have the time to shop for myself, I've been stocking up on baby clothes. The options for boys may not be so great, but I'm charmed by stripes, rompers and little knitted onesies on my baby boy.

Overwhelmed

Tomorrow--weather permitting--I leave for my field's big annual conference in Chicago. Given that there's a big storm between here and the upper midwest I'm not sure if I'll make it, which makes me wonder about the wisdom of scheduling anything in Chicago until later in the month.

For the first time since I've had a baby, I've had to juggle writing to a deadline and an infant. I have yet to adapt my working method (waiting until the last minute and writing crazily and ignoring everything else) to life with a newborn. I'm starting to see that what worked before won't work again until he's old enough to do his own thing without Mum worrying about him. Babies don't respect schedules and they want attention and S is going through a phase of eating more than his little tummy can take for hours on end and then spitting back up for the next few hours. He also doesn't want to sleep when we are around. I want to give him everything and perhaps dedicated days last week to him when I could have been working but I'm also aware that he needs that attention and that this process of balancing work/motherhood will take a while to fine tune.

So I'm here with an unfinished, unproofread paper that is far from my best work. My bags aren't packed. I'm tired. He's finally asleep and I have to leave tomorrow and run a rather time consuming errand before I go. I have no powerpoint, my clips are not edited onto a disc. Will this be the year I take my laptop and write on the plane and at airports? Given that I have to take my breast pump, I'm inclined to think I'll be jotting notes down on paper instead.

I love conferences but I don't want to leave my baby and I don't think it's fair on him or Evan. If only a family trip was possible but it might even be too early in my little one's life to take him so far, particularly in bad weather. At the moment, I just want to snuggle up in bed and cuddle him. If only cosleeping wasn't dangerous--I've not done it and won't do anything that might hurt him but it would be so lovely to sleep with my baby boy in my arms. At this point, I'm so tired that sleep appeals to me the most--not socializing, papers and academic politics.

Postpartum Dress

For the last few years, my mother has warned me that most of my wardrobe would be unsuitable for a new mother. Given that I wasn't sure if I'd ever be fortunate enough to have a child, her advice seemed more than premature. While pregnant, I thought how much fun it would be to revisit my old wardrobe after Severin's birth. To that end, I bought a few very heavily reduced items late in my pregnancy to supplement my old wardrobe ($30 skirts from Club Monaco, heavily discounted cashmere sweaters from J Crew), even though this involved guess work as I couldn't try these items on properly and had to estimate what size I'd be postpartum.

As usual, however, my mother was right. This last few weeks has passed in a blur of feed, sleep/sleeplessness and work, and the discovery that breast milk can ruin your clothes. Even though I'm barely producing enough milk, I had no clue that leaks and drips would limit my options to cotton jersey and super cheap items. Button up shirts, leggings and pajama bottoms, all those horrid stockpiled t-shirts that had faded, discoloured or just looked bad that I'd never parted with became suitable day and night time attire, often with little difference between both. I thought the baby would be the messy one but it's also me. I have already ruined one (cheap and heavily reduced) silk pleated skirt while feeding Severin, unaware that milk was flowing from more than one side. I learned a lesson that day. I used to wonder why mothers seemingly lost interest in fashion after having children and now realize that, at least for some, it's not a loss of interest but a realization that this is an intrinsically messy time. I still love clothes but it's not the best time to dress up.

Still, I'm back at work (which is insane in its own way), albeit only two days a week, and can't just live in pajamas and old t-shirts. For those days I'm trying to put together some kind of uniform that resists milk stains, allows for easy pumping access, and provides me with the style that I don't have elsewhere in my life. With my c-section site still sensitive/sporadically painful/numb, I can't wear jeans and skirts are probably easier than pants. Leggings are still decent, dark colours, patterns and colours are good, and cheaper items are my new friends. After my very last ob appointment before Severin's birth, I picked up a cheap Zara basics dress on sale (without trying it on as I knew I'd have no idea how it would fit within days) which has been useful. My Steven Alan, Rag and Bone, Acne and Madewell plaid shirts are staples but, overall, I feel that I am more restricted and less stylish than I was at 9 months pregnant. I am surprised--not complaining at all as I've rarely felt so calm. Like so much else about motherhood/pregnancy, I realise that this is a new world with its own shared knowledge. I'm happy to be introduced to this maternal wisdom, even if it is at the expense of relatively unlimited dress options.

Realistically, I doubt some items will ever come back into circulation. I've intended to prune my wardrobe for some time and as soon as time permits I will be posting some items here--shoes, dresses, jackets and blouses that I know I won't be able to wear (again--some are unworn). They deserve good homes rather than being locked in perpetual storage in my closet.

Severin

This little boy gives me so much pleasure--I can't believe that he's here. He has such a sweet demeanor and is so beautiful and full of grace. At this age, of course, he sleeps and feeds most of the time and, in turn, I spend most of my time in a single chair breast feeding or pumping milk while trying to read and reply to work emails when I am able to free one hand. It's both an intense and mellow time--he's next to me most of the time he isn't in my arms, snug in his Fisher Price Rock and Play sleeper that Cindy so kindly bought me (thanks for the suggestion, Quinn--it is a lifesaver). Of course, I'm not so mobile right now either as a result of the emergency c-section, and I am also behind on so many professional responsibilities as a result (like the marketing questionnaire for the book and letters of recommendation for students for grad school which I'll be writing tonight).

Here's another picture of our little boy. As great as his pictures are, they really don't do this gorgeous boy justice.

Our Boy

So far, we are adjusting to the world of new parenthood. I love the way my little boy smells and he entrances us with his funny faces and sweet manner. Right now, we have a baby nurse (a gift from Evan's mother) which has meant we get a decent amount of sleep, something that I need after a long labour followed by an emergency c-section. But soon we will be on our own, with an even steeper learning curve. I cherish every second I spend with him, aware he will change all too soon. I can't imagine that he could be more perfect and love him more each day.

Such Joy