A Throwaway Year?

It's the end of the semester and I am feeling burned out, as are my students. I can't complain about them (they are generally good kids), but like all professors, I'm swamped with emails that really point to problems I can't solve, such as the fact that all their classes now have some kind of final exam or assignment due and the students haven't left enough time to complete them all. With the current state of higher ed, I'm also having to deny admission to my over-filled Gender and Media class for next semester. None of this is fun, nor is there much gratification to be had from the pile of papers that keeps growing on my desk, despite the fact that I've handed back over 140 assignments in the last week.

I finally have my passport but realize that I probably cannot make it home until 12/22. I dread even looking at fares as they will be likely a lot higher than I want to pay. I also miss my kitties so much when I go home.

As another year draws to an end, with my final class now taught, I'm also having one of those pensive moments when I look back and realize what I accomplished and what I failed to do this year. My friend, Isabelle, wisely said that this year was a "throwaway year" for her, one in which nothing really happened. I'm assessing whether it was for me too. In some ways, I have to say it was. I failed at goal number 1: getting pregnant, a goal that was my primary motive last fall too. This likely means I failed to avoid fertility treatment, something that I am trying to set up so I can go straight into it when I return. As a girl with a fear of needles and doctors, someone who does not like taking medicine, the idea of the regimen ahead scares me but not as much as the thought that the news may be so bad that I can't even participate. The miracle I'd hoped and prayed for has not occurred, making me feel there must be something wrong with me, not just physically, but as a person. I sometimes wonder what I did in a previous life to suffer this fate.

As for work, I'm in a holding pattern at best. Research has gone relatively well: the book is effectively done (revisions are always needed), I gave two conference papers this year and published two reviews. A major journal asked me to submit a paper which I will do in the new year and I came up with some ideas for new projects that excite me, and have started working on them. So far, so good. But the job market is hideous--never believe CNN.com and other sites that call education a growth area in a recession. They ignore how administrators cut teaching positions as soon as any fall in tax revenues appears on the horizon, how state legislators have underfunded higher ed for decades, despite booming enrollments which actually increase costs as tuition only covers a small percentage of education. Not to mention nobody will retire in decades as their 401Ks have been eviscerated. So, there is a chance that my holding pattern might even decline as my current position is very temporary and easily cut. I have applied for over 10 positions, but know each one had over a hundred applicants and several have internal candidates, including the one for which I have a first interview on Monday. I have no expectations that I will get the position.

I did get a lot of nice clothes this year, and may get more if I decide to jettison the grading (temporarily) and head out in the rain to the Lutz and Patmos sample sale and then onto Saks, partly to look for gifts, partly to see if there are any bargains for me (including my parent's Christmas gift for me--which looks like it won't be the Billie Doux bag on shopbop as they have yet to reduce it to my target price point). But with Mayle closing, the demand for their clothing has kept my spending high and forced me to pay more for items than I would in the past. Which, in turn, means less to spend on other sales.

So, at the close of the year, I haven't accomplished my primary goals. No baby, no pregnancy and no new job. But the book is done, I saved some money and I have my health. I don't know if this makes me feel particularly happy. Other than the health, I'd sacrifice it all for a healthy child of my own and that seems to be the one thing I can't save, strategize, economize or work hard for.

So, for next year, my goals remain the same: baby, job and book, in that order. But if I accomplish goal 1, I'd be happy to put the rest on the back burner.