Overwhelmed

Tomorrow--weather permitting--I leave for my field's big annual conference in Chicago. Given that there's a big storm between here and the upper midwest I'm not sure if I'll make it, which makes me wonder about the wisdom of scheduling anything in Chicago until later in the month.

For the first time since I've had a baby, I've had to juggle writing to a deadline and an infant. I have yet to adapt my working method (waiting until the last minute and writing crazily and ignoring everything else) to life with a newborn. I'm starting to see that what worked before won't work again until he's old enough to do his own thing without Mum worrying about him. Babies don't respect schedules and they want attention and S is going through a phase of eating more than his little tummy can take for hours on end and then spitting back up for the next few hours. He also doesn't want to sleep when we are around. I want to give him everything and perhaps dedicated days last week to him when I could have been working but I'm also aware that he needs that attention and that this process of balancing work/motherhood will take a while to fine tune.

So I'm here with an unfinished, unproofread paper that is far from my best work. My bags aren't packed. I'm tired. He's finally asleep and I have to leave tomorrow and run a rather time consuming errand before I go. I have no powerpoint, my clips are not edited onto a disc. Will this be the year I take my laptop and write on the plane and at airports? Given that I have to take my breast pump, I'm inclined to think I'll be jotting notes down on paper instead.

I love conferences but I don't want to leave my baby and I don't think it's fair on him or Evan. If only a family trip was possible but it might even be too early in my little one's life to take him so far, particularly in bad weather. At the moment, I just want to snuggle up in bed and cuddle him. If only cosleeping wasn't dangerous--I've not done it and won't do anything that might hurt him but it would be so lovely to sleep with my baby boy in my arms. At this point, I'm so tired that sleep appeals to me the most--not socializing, papers and academic politics.

Postpartum Dress

For the last few years, my mother has warned me that most of my wardrobe would be unsuitable for a new mother. Given that I wasn't sure if I'd ever be fortunate enough to have a child, her advice seemed more than premature. While pregnant, I thought how much fun it would be to revisit my old wardrobe after Severin's birth. To that end, I bought a few very heavily reduced items late in my pregnancy to supplement my old wardrobe ($30 skirts from Club Monaco, heavily discounted cashmere sweaters from J Crew), even though this involved guess work as I couldn't try these items on properly and had to estimate what size I'd be postpartum.

As usual, however, my mother was right. This last few weeks has passed in a blur of feed, sleep/sleeplessness and work, and the discovery that breast milk can ruin your clothes. Even though I'm barely producing enough milk, I had no clue that leaks and drips would limit my options to cotton jersey and super cheap items. Button up shirts, leggings and pajama bottoms, all those horrid stockpiled t-shirts that had faded, discoloured or just looked bad that I'd never parted with became suitable day and night time attire, often with little difference between both. I thought the baby would be the messy one but it's also me. I have already ruined one (cheap and heavily reduced) silk pleated skirt while feeding Severin, unaware that milk was flowing from more than one side. I learned a lesson that day. I used to wonder why mothers seemingly lost interest in fashion after having children and now realize that, at least for some, it's not a loss of interest but a realization that this is an intrinsically messy time. I still love clothes but it's not the best time to dress up.

Still, I'm back at work (which is insane in its own way), albeit only two days a week, and can't just live in pajamas and old t-shirts. For those days I'm trying to put together some kind of uniform that resists milk stains, allows for easy pumping access, and provides me with the style that I don't have elsewhere in my life. With my c-section site still sensitive/sporadically painful/numb, I can't wear jeans and skirts are probably easier than pants. Leggings are still decent, dark colours, patterns and colours are good, and cheaper items are my new friends. After my very last ob appointment before Severin's birth, I picked up a cheap Zara basics dress on sale (without trying it on as I knew I'd have no idea how it would fit within days) which has been useful. My Steven Alan, Rag and Bone, Acne and Madewell plaid shirts are staples but, overall, I feel that I am more restricted and less stylish than I was at 9 months pregnant. I am surprised--not complaining at all as I've rarely felt so calm. Like so much else about motherhood/pregnancy, I realise that this is a new world with its own shared knowledge. I'm happy to be introduced to this maternal wisdom, even if it is at the expense of relatively unlimited dress options.

Realistically, I doubt some items will ever come back into circulation. I've intended to prune my wardrobe for some time and as soon as time permits I will be posting some items here--shoes, dresses, jackets and blouses that I know I won't be able to wear (again--some are unworn). They deserve good homes rather than being locked in perpetual storage in my closet.

Severin

This little boy gives me so much pleasure--I can't believe that he's here. He has such a sweet demeanor and is so beautiful and full of grace. At this age, of course, he sleeps and feeds most of the time and, in turn, I spend most of my time in a single chair breast feeding or pumping milk while trying to read and reply to work emails when I am able to free one hand. It's both an intense and mellow time--he's next to me most of the time he isn't in my arms, snug in his Fisher Price Rock and Play sleeper that Cindy so kindly bought me (thanks for the suggestion, Quinn--it is a lifesaver). Of course, I'm not so mobile right now either as a result of the emergency c-section, and I am also behind on so many professional responsibilities as a result (like the marketing questionnaire for the book and letters of recommendation for students for grad school which I'll be writing tonight).

Here's another picture of our little boy. As great as his pictures are, they really don't do this gorgeous boy justice.

Our Boy

So far, we are adjusting to the world of new parenthood. I love the way my little boy smells and he entrances us with his funny faces and sweet manner. Right now, we have a baby nurse (a gift from Evan's mother) which has meant we get a decent amount of sleep, something that I need after a long labour followed by an emergency c-section. But soon we will be on our own, with an even steeper learning curve. I cherish every second I spend with him, aware he will change all too soon. I can't imagine that he could be more perfect and love him more each day.

Such Joy

Maternity Wear

Now that I'm sitting waiting for baby to arrive, I'm thinking back over what ended up being my pregnancy style, although that might be somewhat of a euphemism. I bought just one item (a pair of gap skinny maternity jeans, one size too big as it happened) so everything ended up being rather ad hoc. For the summer, the loose dresses, often trapeze cut, that I already had in my wardrobe played the greatest role. Some were cheap (a linen gap dress from when they had the European limited edition collection, the Marni H&M frocks, an old Uniqlo collaboration dress and their plaid one from Philip Lim and a couple of oldies from Topshop and H&M), others not so much (several Mayle silk dresses, an Isabel Marant mainline frock, several Rachel Comey and Steven Alan dresses and the long sleeved Lyell linen dress with pin tucks and a Peter Pan collar).

While I was in England I was still small enough to get away with a skirt (teamed with loose blouses) but those were left at home as I realized maternity and skirts don't work. Instead, the gap jeans took on a bigger presence in my wardrobe even as they remained--and remain--slightly too big. In the fall, I wore them with flats, now with my increasingly battered Fiorentini & Baker boots that sadly need to be replaced.

Dresses continue to play a role, now with a couple of thick loose fit Lutz and Patmos sweaters or a thick cashmere cardigan from Club Monaco. Basically it's the sweaters with loose cut shirts from Steven Alan, Mayle, Madewell and the jeans/boots or a dress with the same sweaters and either boots and leggings or tights and often a cashmere hat and my Tocca navy swing coat. Surprisingly I realized that this hodgepodge has coalesced into something resembling a style.

Frustratingly I'm now finding other items that work for me even though I have just days left before I deliver, and wonder if I'll end up sticking with these pieces in the sure to be tiring days ahead. If I am fortunate enough to have another baby, I know I what to turn to. In the meantime, the thought of wearing skirts again is very appealing and I just hope the ones I have here are indeed going to fit. I have no idea what my body will be like after delivery and am very much living in the moment right now.

Past Due

Yesterday was my due date. As scheduled, I went into NYU and taught my final class, met with a grad student, had office hours, saw a few other students, walked down to Soho and did what may be some of the very last window shopping I'll do in a while, and caught the subway home. It was a full day (10-6:30) and one that started with some anxiety--would this baby make his appearance in class or on a crowded subway? Early on, every pain and twinge seemed more significant than it turned out to be--I even wondered at one point if I was about to have my waters break. But as soon as I got home I started to relax---I was not going into labour in the classroom after all.

Instead, I'm now fighting exhaustion when I should be grading although there are precious few early papers to grade before that due date in the middle of next week.

Thanks to two of my amazing students, this baby has his first designer outfit (they wisely bought it for a 12 month old so he'll get more wear out of it). He has a beautiful Stella McCartney Kids sweater and matching knit pants. I am so lucky to teach such generous and kind people.