Progress?

I may be cursing myself and it may just be the a daily variation but today, I swear my clothes felt a little loose. I have a few signs that I could finally be losing some of the weight that gradually crept up on me over the last few years. I may not have put on much pregnancy weight but my body shape certainly shifted so clothes just don't fit as well. I've heard that breast feeding causes some weight to stick around. As Severin fast approaches his first birthday and enjoys other food, he is nursing less but still with vigour so it may be that the weaning process is beginning and, combined with my carb cutback, I'm getting back into shape. After all, this little boy enjoyed his Thanksgiving turkey and stuffing this year and is beginning to eat real solids as well as purees.

Of course, I may just have spoiled everything by eating a slice of Evan's mother's delicious lemon cake which I am sure contained 50+ grams of carbs. I vow that I will eliminate these late evening carb fests as hard as it may be. For my health, my baby boy and for the sake of any future children with whom I may be blessed.

Getting Adventurous

Severin's been crawling for a little over a month now and it looks like he'll be walking soon. Our little baby is becoming a toddler--he's going through one of those rapid stages of development where he gets more active, more dexterous, stronger and more fun each day.

At this point he's into everything. Favourite games include opening and shutting doors, climbing up against tables, our legs, book cases and drawers and pulling books off shelves, flicking through their pages and sometimes damaging them. He is more fun by the minute but I feel a little sad that my big beautiful boy is fast leaving babyhood behind. I am getting more and more broody by the day.

Getting Bigger

The nine month sleep regression is starting to abate and someone is busy crawling, babbling, standing against furniture, playing and pretending to read books. He's almost a toddler already and  it's only been 9.5 months. I can't believe how fast time goes--I am craving another already...

Sleep

There are many reasons for my limited postings this year but they all centre around a small human being. For the last few weeks, this once good sleeper has decided that it is essential for him to be awake at all times. He's nine months old today (or will be tonight), and I believe this is known as sleep regression. Whatever it is, he refuses daytime naps and has even stopped napping when out on walks, screams hysterically if placed in his cot while still awake, will only fall asleep if nursing (a pattern that may be my fault), screams hysterically until he falls asleep otherwise, wakes up for upwards of two feeds a night and can be awake for two hours at a time. I'm behind on work/publication deadlines due to sleep deprivation although I work for as long as I can when awake. Tiredness has led me to grab empty carbs (in the shape of chocolate) several days because otherwise I would not be able to function, even though I now have prediabetes and am supposed to cut back.

It's hard but all worthwhile. I am just hoping my dear boy starts sleeping properly again soon so I can complete some embarrassingly overdue work and get on with new projects. He's brilliant in so many ways but behind on sleeping.

Fashion Ethics

Like many people, I've been acutely aware of the problems of fast fashion--their exploitation of labour, environment and resources. I'm equally aware that many more expensive brands are guilty of the same crimes and realise that contemporary fashion is based on a system that exacerbates most of these problems and relies on exploitation and short term thinking. I don't have time for much recreational reading these days (even work gets squeezed when there's an infant around), but managed to read a few chapters of Lucy Siegel's To Die For: Is Fashion Wearing Out the World? when I was home. It compounded my guilt about my current situation--as a (relatively) new mum who has already been vomited on once today and is still breast feeding, what should I wear? I've bought from Zara and Club Monaco on sale (and I presume the latter chain, for all its higher prices/better quality, is still as culpable as other chain retailers, but I've done so because I don't have time to make clothes right now, can't fit into some of my older clothes, many of which are dry clean only, silk, don't unfasten down the front and are thus unsuitable for my current life even if I can wear some of them for work. I can't sit around naked and am only too aware that I'm exploiting someone whatever I do. Plus I'm not really back to my original shape even if the scales say that I'm close to my preconception weight, so many pieces just don't fit.

In writing this post, I am trying to absolve my guilt. I'm also eager to have new pretty things and sometimes just need a fix, which in itself is part of the problem. Having an overstuffed wardrobe or three is one thing but so little is appropriate right now. When I was pregnant, it was easier as I knew it would end but I have no idea how much longer my little one will be so deliciously messy.

What we've been doing

Severin and I took an almost all-summer long jaunt to England. Besides my two conferences (where the papers finally came together very nicely as I start to master the new way of working as a parent), we saw lots of friends and family and Severin made many new friends. Evan came over for a week and helped us back (travelling with an infant literally involves a lot of baggage) and now I'm trying to finish some essays before getting into the swing of yet another new academic year.

And as you can see, Severin is a big boy now--and eating solid food. Pictures from home, from London and my conference in Glasgow.

These Days

I'm coming up on my 6th month anniversary of being a mother and have been reflecting on some of the inevitable changes and adjustments. A year ago I was still in the throes of nausea, still debating baby girl names (believing that the sickness, heart rate and general intuition all pointed to this baby being a girl), worrying about test results and finding it hard to believe all this was happening. Now I accept and love being a mum, love my little baby boy, and love the family we've created, but I'm still adjusting to some of the changes. It's difficult, for example, to write papers when your baby needs you and he's not going to respect that this is your time to write: I have two conferences in a little over ten days and two very messy piles of reflections, notes, ideas that have yet to coalesce into papers.

It's nearly a year since I felt S. move for the first time--now I'm so familiar with his energetic kicks and aware of his frustrations that he cannot move yet as he's seeking to explore his world.

I'm finally adjusting to wearing breast feeding mum clothes. A couple of times I bought pretty silk dresses on sale (ICB online sample sale, I'm looking at you), but those are strictly for limited non-baby times (work receptions, conferences). Uniqlo has become a go-to store, with my Suno collaboration dress being ideal with its button front, stain masking pattern and relatively stain resistant machine washable cotton construction. I'm at peace with my options right now, and will be slightly sad when I'm no longer a primary food source and can get back to more stylish options. I even missed the Tocca sample sale this week, not because I didn't love the items but because I realised that there would be another one before I'd be able to wear any of my finds. I also suspected that most of the stock would be old, pre-Emma Fletcher, and thus not worth wasting time I could spend with my boy or work.