Rediscovering Old Brands, Part 1

 Sometimes I wonder where the time went, particularly when dipping into older blog entries (both this one and those written by friends that have not been deleted). When it comes to fashion, a couple of things come to mind. First, despite all the well-documented accelerated trend cycles, styles don't seem to have changed that much. Obviously some older clothes from 2005-2013 look just a bit old, not so much tired but more middle of the road, uninspiring and either too fussy or just dull--traits often associated with your typical mid-market department stores. While trends clearly exist (the awful cold shoulders of a few years back, mom/mum jeans, head to toe athleisure), the much vaunted rapidity of fashion seems to lie more in increased production volumes and marketing. The actual clothes haven't really changed except there are more of them and the quality--and inspiration--is often lacking. Secondly, much of the clothing my erstwhile readers and I coveted looks just as good today, particularly the less overworked pieces. Granted some of this might be the decade or so that's passed, that has given us (or me) the necessary distance to reappraise. But I'm not that sure we dress all that differently today. Not just the millenial/younger Gen Xers but the population as a whole 

Maybe we are more into fashion as a conceit, as a mode of self-branding, as diversion than we are into actual material clothing, styles and creativity. Certainly, I think some of this desire is returning but it may be that I'm in a particular bubble, teaching bright, informed and often reasonably wealthy students who have chosen to live and work in New York. But I think this tendancy is more widespread, tmarked by the vintage/resale markets and the rediscovery of older items. 

As mentioned, I'm in the midst of closet-cleaning, reorganising and rediscovery. As I tentatively started in one corner of my not-so large but decently sized wardrobe, I found a few boxes, Inside three were brand new Fiorentini + Baker boots. These have to date from around the time I was pregnant with Severin. My older knee high pair split at the seam, as did a pair of ankle boots (too much wear plus bunions plus pregnancy). I vaguely remember buying one pair (the navy ankle boots). The other two, both knee high pairs, were a delightful surprise, all the more so as (a) they fit and (b) I was thinking about getting some just like these this autumn. Hard-wearing and somewhat of a heritage label in that they don't change styles often, they look just as stylish to me as they would have done in 2012. I likely didn't wear them at the time because new motherhood had temporarily caused my feet to grow a size and because my rapturous but exhausting days with my (soon to be twelve year-old) baby took up all my time and attention. While other similar (and lower priced) brands still capture attention, F + B seem to be forgotten these days so I was able to score another pair of their (used/broken in) ankle boots in a slightly different style for just $50 (including shipping) on ebay,

Other old favourites are slowly coming back into circulation. I'll write about these soon but top of the list is Lyell, even though there is little available used along with Emma Fletcher's Tocca (slightly better but still not abundant). Perhaps the creativity and quality of these garments means that they are not confined to one time, seen in their abundant vintage references, but nevertheless it feels good to have them back on my body rather than on hangers, tucked away from view. If only I could happen on some more of them.

Reflecting on My Wardrobe Cleanout/À la recherche de temps perdus. Part 1: L'Enlèvement

 I have too many clothes. I still acquire more. Yet I'm also dedicated to sustainability. All these statements are true for me and, likely, for a vast percentage of those with interests in fashion (a broad topic that goes way beyond trends, brands, designers). 

Embarrasingly, I have so many that it's hard to see most of them. I live in a NYC apartment so a perfectly curated walk-in wardrobe remains a fantasy. As a result, I hang key items from the knob pulls on my dressers, which leads to yet more repetition of the same core seasonally-appropriate items. My wardrobe has effectively been turned into storage, save the space at the front and centre where I can grab and return pieces that are in semi-regular rotation. 

With winter clothing drives in full force, I decided to tackle the process which has turned out to be more delightful and melancholy than I thought, a return to times past. This is an ongoing and unfinished project that I will discuss again. My primary goal? To find pieces suitable for donation for the new immigrants and poor in our neighbourhood (people who are going to need even more help in the near future, I fear). So I was looking for coats, warm clothing, items I'd bought because they were a good deal but were rarely worn as well as anything that no longer fit and/or was in good shape but would realistically never be worn again (by me). I've done this before, but probably not since Emile was born. 

I've also recently lost some 30lbs or so (all the (post) baby weight, all the pandemic pounds and maybe some more) and don't want to backslide, so time for the larger sizes to find new homes. I'd like to be another 10-15 lbs lighter if possible, but that may not be attainable.  While I was pregnant and breast-feeding, my wardrobe became more basic, dull and washable--front opening Boden and Gap dresses, J Crew cotton dresses etc--items, I've folded away with a slight sense of nostalgia. I loved those time of being close to my babies, even if the 6 months of morning sickness and the years of sleepness nights were hard. Truthfully, I'd do it again in an instance, but it's no longer my time and I doubt my two would be particularly happy if I did.

While searching, I inevitably found so many pieces that I thought would be staples, many unworn, some with tags, most of them way more expensive than I had remembered. In the flurry of Mayle panic buying I must have spent thousands of dollars on pretty piecces that were quickly forgotten in the years shortly afterwards when I got pregnant and became a mother. 

So, this morning, as I took a break from grading, I tentatively tried on some of my old dresses and blouses. All fit, some better than before, some for the first tme although the oldest were perhaps way too small. It's an odd index of my body's changes. Dresses from perhaps 20 years ago? Too tight, mainly in the chest (chalk that up to post-baby shifts in my body). From 15 years ago? The same or maybe a little looser. The Rachel Comeys from 13 years ago (before Severin, before pregnancy)? Way looser. I'm currently 14 lbs (a full stone!) lighter than I was when I got pregnant and at about the weight I must have been at the apex of the Mayle/Lyell days--maybe slightly smaller? 

Pragmatically, this has paid dividends. I can wear three pairs of practically new jeans that I bought just before the pandemic when I was around the same weight as I am now. But my trip down memory lane--of which more in a following post--has also shown me that some of my silky Mayle dresses are still werable and can be added into my rotation. Others will just have to remain souvenirs of moments that remind me of good friends, much missed these days, and the community we shared at a time of great joy but also great longing. 

Time

The pace of everything seems to have accelerated this week in the thoes of the (near) end of the semester and cyber week shopping/last minute grading. Amidst all this, I was fortunate enough to spend two afternoons with my old university friend, Tim, who was in NYC for work this week. He's one of the nicest people in the world, a positive force, full of joy, decency and positive energy. It was a true pleasure to spend time wandering around the city with him, sharing meals, and ssheltering from the cold, over cappuccinos in Maman. As we were walking down (or up) Elizabeth Street in the suddenly biting cold, the kind of NYC weather that I thought climate change had forever changed, I looked carefully at each tiny storefront north of Kenmare, scrutinising each one to find the space that used to house Lyell. I think I found it, but with different paint jobs and the passing of time, it wasn't quite the same. Rather than spending time in Nolita visiting clothes, I now go down there for French conversation classes, which is probably a more productive use of my time.

It's bitterly cold here right now, the kind of dry, windy cold that cuts through you as it funnels through the urban canyons. For the first time in several years--for probably most of my life as a mother of two--I dug out old tank tops to add more layers. At this time of year, thoughts naturally turn to nostalgia, which manifested itself for me, this week, in old friendships, the ghosts of shops past and the very materiality of clothes as a shelter against the elements--and as a way to softly coccoon myself during these frantic final days of the semester. Amidst the frigid weather and in the spirit of old friends and old passions, I dug out my old, warm and barely worn cream-coloured Mayle coat (I think it was Olympe) and remembered to be more kind to my younger self and my former obsessions.

Black Friday

Yesterday Severin and I went Black Friday shopping. With two children whose birthdays fall just after Christmas, I'm usually stuck for inspiration and wary of buying something for the sake of it. Both boys' lists are surprisingly modest (Legos, books, Pokemon--for S, toy guinea pigs--for E and various branded sports clothing) so I was also hoping to observe and react to the things that caught his eye. In dire need of new Crocs, Severin was insistent we get them in store which turned out to cost about 30 percent more than online. Still, it was nice to spend a day with my almost 12-year old, even as he summarily told me I could not attend the birthday party he's going to today. Understandable at this age-- I'll take the mum and son bonding when and where I can even if it costs me a little more money and a sushi lunch.

I also had my umpteenth covid booster, largely because I don't want to get sick and pass anything onto my mum or Evan's parents. I'd thought about not having another one as I always get the most atrocious side-effects where I end up in bed with a flu type reaction that lasts a few days. As predicted, that's where I am right now. 

I can't really sum up the enthusiasm to prepare classes or send emails, so I spent the day going back in time, reading friends' old blogs. Apart from my sheer disbelief that all those events/purchases/reflections from 2006-2008 took place 16-18 years ago when my students were so small and my sons just a fantasy surrounded by desperation and hope, I was struck again by the differences between social media and blogging. This is not to say the line between the forms is absolute (how could it be?) but rather to point out the tendency whereby the former is often imbricated in the neoliberal logic of self-branding/work/profit while the latter acts more as community where like minded souls in the same liminal space of youngish adulthood collaborate, confess, reflect and help each other.

I'm also shocked how much we spent on single items of clothing, even those I (we?) still wear. As I've realised so many tmes, clothing is not an investment vehicle. It loses economic value even if it keeps its use, expressive and emotional worth. While it was surreal to think that those select Lyell and Tocca pieces that I still search for were relatively freely available, that all those brands and blogs were just a click away, it's also shocking to see how clothes that once retailed for $300-500+ may now struggle to reach $50 on ebay/poshmark/therealreal. Clicking on dead links, looking for defunct brands from my bed while I shiver away (and Severin tells me point blank how awful I look) shows me how those portals to our past may be tantalisingly close but ultimately, those doors are gone forever.

As for my purchases. A Lyell dress arrived today ($12 from Mercari plus postage--the red cotton frock from the S/S 2005 lookbook). It's a size 2. I can get it on but the ties that button at the back are a hair too short but hopefully by summer, that won't be an issue. It's not a replacement for the one I already have (size 6, purchased from the brand's legenday SS 2005 sample sale) but more a younger sister, less faded and somewhat more svelte. 

For me, I stocked up on discount make-up, particularly Victoria Beckham beauty--sparkly soft eyeliners, shiny eyeshadow and flattering lipsticks in beautiful tortoishell packaging. I use the event more to save, to purchase on a years' beauty products while they are fleetingly on sale. 

Eh bien. Demain, il va falloir que je fasse mes devoirs de français et écrive une lettre de recommendation. I'm just hoping I have the energy to do something. 

Updates

On Tuesday, one of my students mentioned that the 2010s were really coming back in style. 

Of late, my mind has turned to this decade, one that changed my life (for the better) as I became a mother, found stable employment and settled into what is probably adult life. By happenstance, I found an image on Pinterest, clicked on the link, and, to my surprise, it took me back to this long-abandoned blog. From there, I traveled back in time, courtesy of my blogroll, to the lives of those who didn't close down their personal narratives from the late 2000s to early-middle 2010s. What surprised me? How much I have forgotten and how, yes, indeed, the 2010s are definitely coming back in style.

I have no illusions that anybody else will ever read this entry but I'm again taken with the idea of an online diary, with its musings on both everyday minutae and much bigger things in a world saturated with images. In an attention economy that tries too hard to hail (and commercialise) the public, there was something reflexive about a blog--a moment out of one's day that preserved quotidian rituals, questions, pleasures and stresses. While social media always has to work too hard, always in thrall to the desire to capitalise, monetise and brand, blogs represented a pause, a moment to communicate, preserve, ponder. I regret that I didn't jot down the many small moments that surrounded the big things in my life that this blog never witnessed, most notably the birth of my second son nearly 8 years ago on a dark snowy January night. I'll always remember the serenity of our first hours together, but I'm sure I've forgotten the kind of details and opinions I'd have preserved here--other than the taste of the orange jelly I ate after his birth. Brought to me by a kind nurse, it was the only thing they had to eat on the ward and it tasted delicious, becoming part of my reverie. Today, my dear boy is neither calm or serene but a bubbling energetic ball of joy, love, intelligence, laughter and cuddles. However, our first nights together were indeed a wonderful pause, transporting me to a calm where just the two of us existed under the long night skies, woven together in another dimension, if only for a few short days.

So now I have two boys. I'm happy at work, although there is always too much to do. I still love clothes which led to a detour where I now mainly teach fashion related courses. I'm working on a second book (not on fashion) and I'm trying my hardest to be fluent in French (truly fluent, native fluency which only seems to get further away the more you know). I still buy clothes but mainly resale these days for the environment, the bargains and for the fun (and frustration) of searching for some of those key pieces I missed and couldn't afford back in the day. I also feel I missed several years of style as I grew and nursed babies, leaving me no real time to shop for a body that was leaky and shape-shifting.

And, in a weird cyclic way, that's how I ended back here a few nights ago. Recently, I have been recaptured by my love for an old favourite. No, I was not looking for Mayle but for Lyell and Emma Fletcher's Tocca whose minimal 70s does 30s style seems as compelling as ever but even more difficult to find. I regret missing out on so many pieces for so little money on ebay and Poshmark, but fashion does, indeed, travel in waves. Plus there was the small matter of fit. A year or so ago, I bought one of her peacoats from 2005 whose name I long ago forgot. Even though it was a size 10, I knew it wouldn't fit but it was pristine and the price was right. I was also right about the size, but recently, I've lost over 30lbs so I can indeed wear it, along with many other such fripperies--that is if I can ever find the pieces I want. But I'm also trying to be strong. As I once stated in a post here, I can fall into the rabbit hole of brand obsession, So this time, I'm reminding myself. I'm not a collector and it's perfectly OK to say no, even to a defunct brand. Or a (once) defunct blog for that matter. 

End of another semester

I felt--and still feel--broken today. I alternate between wondering why this bothers me--why can't I be a person who thinks politics doesn't matter--and feeling fury at a variety of parties for the selfishness, stupidity, greed, short-termism or blindness that shaped their vote. While the vile Conservatives and their neo-con press baron pals like Murdoch are mostly to blame, I feel deep anger for the selfish and stupid conduct of the SNP, who cannot see that if they get what they want they will destroy all the British economies and services. They should have supported Labour to the hilt and steered them further left but instead they leave us with an evil, far right government.

But a bright spot emerged--a busy teaching and advising filled day that reminded me, yet again, how great our students are. Bright, hard working, creative, intelligent and full of integrity--I am so lucky to participate in their education and work with such wonderful young women and men. And this year as every year, I'm so proud to see them graduate but also sad to see them move on.

Betrayed

A couple of days ago, I finally thought that a Labour coalition would just squeeze in to form a government and was shocked by the exit poll that had to be wrong. I don't have much faith in the electorate--any electorate in the western world--blinded by spin, innuendo, negative campaigning, selfishness and ideologically suspect "common sense" easy solutions (like austerity which only serves the rich and costs more in long term human, economic and social costs). But the idiocy of my country's electorate stunned me, as did the selfishness of the idiotic Scottish nationalists who shot everybody in the foot to make a dated jingoistic point wrapped up in pseudo socialist rhetoric.

My only joy is seeing the Lib Dems wiped out and that monster Clegg resigning as their leader. Betraying the students and their voters on a never before seen scale, they deserve to rot in hell. I'd like to see an energised proper socialist Labour party (think Tony Benn, Aneurin Bevan and other such men of integrity--heroes of mine who crafted the worlds's best welfare state and did more for social mobility than any other party or force).But instead we'll see more consumerist policies, encouraging selfishness and blindness until yet another set of social institutions are rent asunder.

I'm heartbroken and livid and hope those people responsible for voting this lot of plutocrats back into power realise what they have done in time to correct course and send them to the political oblivion and the deepest circles of Dantean hell where they belong.

Carmelinas Shoes

I've neglected this blog for quite some time but never missed an entire month until April 2015--a mark of a busy life balancing work and motherhood. I'm going to write more frequent entries, but in the meantime, I wanted to share my new find--Carmelina's shoes.

I've been on the lookout for a new pair of shoes, sandals and boots for some time. After years of buying pretty shoes that I couldn't wear and kept in their boxes, I decided to be more careful and only buy shoes that I liked, were of decent quality and were comfortable (I can't be limping along or dealing with sore feet when I have a 35 lb toddler to carry or run after). I found a couple of brands that were comfortable and stylish only to have them either close down, change their lasts or produce styles that weren't to my liking or needs. My favourite Surface to Air strappy flats are from 2009-10 and while they have lasted really well, they are probably nearing the end of their life. If I could get another pair, or if they would remake them, I'd stock up in a shot, but that isn't happening. My Surface to Air sandals are also beginning to fall apart, leaving me with my F+B boots, which can't work with every outfit and for every occasion.

Last week, I opened a Moda Operandi email and saw this image--and was surprised to find these beauties were in my price range.

While they may not be the most practical pair, I pre-ordered the blue and pink ankle boots shown above. I could have ordered most pairs, but I don't know how they fit or feel. If they are as comfortable as they are pretty, these will be my default brand of pretty shoes for the time being.

While they have very limited ecommerce or retail presence at the moment, I found their website and also found these lovely strappy shoes on the left (now available in black suede). While they may not be the replacement for my beloved Surface to Air flats, I'm hoping they will be as comfortable and as central to my shoe life.

Montreal and after

One of the great things about conferences is seeing a new place, or a city that you barely know. I last went to Montreal over 15 years ago for a conference, liked it and hoped to see more. As I barely travel for pleasure, it took this long for me to return. Last time we were in a more eclectic neighbourhood, this time, downtown, so my memories seem to be of two entirely different cities, linked only by Rue St. Catherine, the city's high street shopping centre.

This time round, I didn't get to see so much but made it out to Lawrence in Mile End for dinner and while I saw some interesting boutiques, they were all closed. Given the cold, snow and hectic schedule, I ended up seeing more of the Underground City, which I didn't know about until this trip. While much of it consists of tunnels and mall shops, we did have a decent food court with a Second Cup (Canadian Starbucks but better) and a great bakery/sandwich/quiche place, Premiere Moisson, which also appears to be a chain but a really good one. Despite trying to avoid wheat, I couldn't resist their apricotines, pains au raison, quiche and chicken pie. Given that I'm seeing my endocrinologist today, I deserve the bad news I anticipate I'll be getting. That said, I can't get many pastries this good and buttery here and being back means it's easier to pass on naughty foods--it's almost impossible to avoid carbs when you are forced to rely on restaurants, have no cooking/storage facilities and are in a city you don't know in an area devoid of supermarkets or the likes of Whole Foods. And much as I wish I could be that person, I cannot survive on two salads a day, especially when pastries of that calibre are available and being eaten by everybody around.

I liked Montreal and would like to return in less than 15 years. I just wish conferences had a day off every other day so you could explore without missing work, panels, meetings, receptions, scholarly interest groups and those all important chance conversations in hallways.

The conference came after spring break which meant I spent mine writing the paper and finalising my revisions on an essay on D.W. Griffith (forthcoming in an anthology). Then the conference, now the aftermath--the work, grading and housekeeping that I put off or couldn't do because I was here. By the time I get through that it will be tax time. After a week of little sleep, I'm now entering into the busiest time of year. With the weather telling us it's still winter, it's luring us into thinking we have a little more time for all that still has to be accomplished this semester/academic year.

New buys

I'm trying to keep to a strict budget this year and only buy what's necessary. These two dresses were on further markdowns at Madewell and looked like they'd give me a great deal of use, especially for running around after a toddler. Both may be silk or silk blends (which I'm trying to avoid) but their dark colours will limit dry cleaning costs and their capacious cuts hide my still too lumpy postpartum body. I'm slowly getting back into my pre-Severin clothes but the cold and brutal winter has led to some enforced inactivity and too many Aeros and Cadbury Twirls, flakes and Dairy Milk (not that it's too much for some, but with my still high blood sugar, any carbs are too many carbs).

Super-cheap (I think I paid around $40) and with pockets, this dress not only flows well but could conceivably be layered up for the next few cold weeks. I'm assuming we'll have winter for at least another month, even though I like the knowledge that the decent weather is pending and all in front of us. It's the same feeling I have in late April about the summer holidays.

There's a story behind this one--Madewell discounted it to $99 from $158, then when they had a 30% off promo, it went back up to almost full price. I emailed them about it and got it for around $68. Great customer service and lovely print. My only issue is that I'd love pockets. It's a cotton-silk blend so I'm going to check the instructions to see if it can be washed. Unlike my Mum who assumes everything can be handwashed, I don't want to risk shrinkage. Mum is usually right (on this and all other matters), but when she is wrong she and I have ended up with much smaller, even doll sized, garments. I try telling myself that the reason I don't fit into some of my clothes now is because she washed them and they shrunk but I know that's unfortunately not the case.

Enough!

I may have my new boots, but I do not want to christen them in this weather. So far this week we've had two snowstorms, one on Tuesday that was substantial and messy but largely melted by Wednesday night even as the old black piles of melted and refrozen snow remained, the other today (Thursday) that dumped several inches of the stuff on us yet again. Every Friday this semester it's been frigid--I don't think we've got over freezing for the high but we have had consistently record cold and wind chill figures in the single digits or way less. My students are frustrated and annoyed (I teach on Fridays) and it looks like tomorrow will be no different.

I always think March is a frustratingly cold let down, but this is insane. Enough please! It's not only painful to go out, it's frustrating when you have an active toddler and he needs that room to play outside in the park or at the very least go out for a walk in his pushchair.

I'm looking forward to spring and want that sense of new life everywhere, not bud-less trees, grey skies and large patches of ice and dirty snow. I'd like a little more colour, a little more light and the chance to wear something other than my depth of winter garb.

New Boots

This winter has been interminable and I feel like I'm wearing the same 6 or 7 items in the same combination every day. Tights, leggings, socks and snow boots, t-shirt, shirt, sweater, cardigan coat and skirt. The boots are ancient (my newer Fiorentin+Baker are too nice to ruin in the crappy salt, ice, snow, grit and dirt covered streets) and I want to avoid falling over so their Vibram soles work for me. But these new Blundstones should offer a little bit more style--even though I'm hoping that we won't still be battling our way through sub-freezing daytime highs and sporadic snow storms for many more weeks. I treated myself to a couple of Madewell dresses but as they are sleeveless and lightweight, there's absolutely no way I can wear them, even layered up.

So here are my new boots. I feel like fashion has been put on near-infinite hold due to the cold. They are olive-moss green and that's my concession to style right now.

Montreal tips?

Our big annual conference is in central Montreal next month. While I'll be at the hotel and in panels for most of the time, I was wondering if anybody had any suggestions for restaurants, cafes and shopping? I'm also planning to buy real Cadburys and other real chocolate so if anybody knows the best place to procure it (by which I mean biggest variety and best price), that would be lovely. Also if any Canadians/transplants know of any chains I should visit but might otherwise overlook, that would be great. I've not been to Canada for ages and know that some of the English stores (like M&S) have retreated from the market but any tips about British or Canadian stores would be most welcome. Thank you.

Boycott Hersheys

I never usually do this, but Hersheys has sued an importer (Let's Buy British) and forced them not to import English chocolate under the spurious grounds of copyright infringement. Several local shops sells English chocolate and I buy it. Stores like this will lose custom and may shutter as a result of this action. While there are greater problems in the world. like Hershey's use of slave labour, including child slave labour, such corporate overreaching needs to be checked. Free market to them means using any and all means to limit competition (without improving their product or labour practices). I'm not a fan of late capitalism or neoliberalism at the best of times, and Hershey's actions reinforce why corporations like this need to be regulated, especially as it seems most of their customers or the public more generally disagree with such actions.

Please sign the petition against Hershey's action against LBB here.

I never eat Hershey's anyway (the only time I did I had to spit it out in the nearest bin), but if you do, think about their corporate policies and buy something else instead--a Mars product, artisan chocolate or a pastry. Remember, Hersheys also make Twizzlers and have amusement parks, as well as a number of toy and t-shirt licensing deals--ample products to boycott.

Setting Priorities

As 2015 begins, I am more aware than ever that time is limited, especially for those of us who are working mothers and want to do both jobs well. I've always had goals and some of them remain the same, but I feel a greater urgency this year, albeit for no clear reason. I realise that fulfilling some of my ambitions rely on other people's decisions but, with hard work and clear goals, I hope I can position myself in the best way possible to succeed. 

I know this all sounds like classic New Year's thinking--determination combined with a vague sense of hope, but I have a few plans that I hope will make a difference, not just to me, but the other people whose lives and livelihoods intersect with my own. 

I'm going to be a more mindful consumer, both limiting the impact of my consumer purchases (no buying sale items when up with a toddler at 6 am just because they look like bargains, working harder to buy sustainable goods that don't exploit their labour force and the environment) and using that time/money towards better ends--including saving. 

I'm thinking of keeping spending and food diaries towards this end, although these may be too time-consuming to be effective.

I'm planning to declutter, including selling books I don't need. Besides creating a cleaner space, it should help clarify and focus my research and writing.

I'm going to reserve time solely for writing each week. I do this informally but it will now be a formal obligation. The only acceptable excuses for missing this time will be conferences, sickness (Severin or me) or absolutely vital meetings/doctor's appointments.

Happy New Year!

When you have a small child, time doesn't quite fly so quickly. 2014 felt like a proper year, one that didn't entirely slip away, partly because it was framed around my little boy's growth. A year ago, he was a breast-feeding baby who could scoot around or toddle behind his walker but not stand unaided. Now he's a rambunctious two year old whose favourite word is "No!," articulated in a number of passionate, determined and opinionated tones, a boy who loves to run and climb and has even begun to sing to himself. He's accomplished way more this year than I have--he's learned to understand a language, to joke, to recognise images of animals and various objects and even to count to one (it's a start). I've written a  book proposal and sample chapter (which still needs further revision), along with a few papers and chapter proposals (tentatively all accepted but nothing published yet so it doesn't count), written/presented four papers at professional conferences and undertaken some service to the field. All pales in comparison to his achievements but work is hard won when a toddler decides that you've done enough on that screen that could also play Peppa Pig, Raa Raa, Sarah and Duck or Postman Pat and flips your laptop shut. Alternatively, he crawls between you and your laptop, pulls you to the floor, sits on you, throws a tantrum or misbehaves because he wants all of your attention and nobody else will do--and this is when you have another caregiver in place. We are in the midst of his infatuation with mummy, his refusal to be separated from me or have me out of his sight. Being loved this much is temporary and as much as I love it (and him), I realise it is a temporary developmental phase but it can still be frustrating for both of us as the world isn't structured around a toddler's whims and iron will.

I can't even speculate what this year will bring. While his growth will certainly slow and his developmental changes will be more subtle, I'm sure I'll have a little chatterbox by my side in a year who will be more clearly a little boy than a beautifully androgynous toddler. As he changes, it makes me realise how much a year can bring, and I just hope all changes this year are for the better.

I have a few resolutions of sorts, general changes I've been trying to implement for a while. I want to keep cutting the carbs and increasing my intake of protein and vegetables. I'd also like to get more exercise--not only do I want to lose the last of the baby weight but also improve my blood sugars and overall health. I want to spend more time off-line, writing, reading, walking, playing and manage my time better. I think this will help with the next resolution, to consume less, more thoughtfully and more ethically whether that applies to food, clothing, technology or home. I want to be tidier, more organised, a better time manager and a more attentive mother/partner/friend/relative and productive worker/writer. I have a few more specific resolutions but if I can make some of these changes, they may also follow. I know I will struggle and fail in some areas (I've already slipped a few times in the last 40 hours or so), but I hope I'll be able to look back at a happy and successful 2015 and wish the same to all of you.

Senso

I may have reservations about brand loyalty, but I make an exception when it comes to shoes--sizing and comfort are so key and brand's own lasts often mean that their footwear either works or it doesn't. I've bought too many pairs in the past that remain pristine because they hurt my feet (some even end up unworn despite their beauty and style). On the other hand, I live in certain pairs from Fiorentini + Baker and Surface to Air to the point that some shoes, boots and sandals are practically decomposing. In many cases I would have purchased a second identical pair but could never find more than one. A pair of my favourite Surface to Air shoes were on ebay recently but they were one size too small (and went for $17). If they had been a size 40, I'd have been happy to pay ten times more, but I'm pretty certain I'll never find another pair. Today I bought another pair of Fiorentini + Baker ankle boots (the Eli in blue), not because my black pair of Chads are decomposing--quite the opposite as they are practically new--but because they were a good deal at 50% off (F+B don't go on sale often and usually you can't get much more than 25% off).

But there are two pairs of shoes out there that I may take a chance on. While reading the UK papers online not so long ago, I spied a pair that captivated me and looked like they could fill a huge gap in my  pretty small (wearable) shoe wardrobe. Of course, it wasn't that simple. The brand--Senso--may be affordable (i.e. shoes around $250-300), but they are Australian and the shoes I loved--and another pair I liked even more--are not available in the US although the brand can be bought here (the different seasons obviously play a role). So I've decided to risk it, but only after the holidays as I'll be travelling with Severin while Evan stays behind and mans the fort. I've never ordered anything from Australia and will probably start with the slightly cheaper pair, but I'll have to see what is still available and just hope that there is a pair of each for me. These shoes will give me the dressy but not so high options I need and will add value to my wardrobe, allowing me to wear some items that don't go with my boots and flats without (hopefully) crippling me or damaging my ability to keep up with Severin. They'll also add a different look that will give me some much needed versatility--that is, of course, if they fit comfortably.

First, the pair that first caught my eye--Qiana IV

And here the pair that I perhaps like even more--Quarry II--which may be dangerously low in stock already in my size. Dare I wait?

Against Brand Loyalty

My wardrobe tells a sad story of brand infatuation. When I was younger and had way less money my options were limited to vintage stores and the Top Shop and Miss Selfridge sales racks, cultivating a habit of waiting for markdowns that survives to this day. At that time, I aspired to the slightly higher priced High Street brands like Warehouse (once a brand with some style that featured a young and less androgynous Tilda Swinton in its advertising, not the ugly polyester that now fills its racks). My sorry story of brand loyalty started there, first with a lovely striped cotton 1930s style blouse and pleated skirt that I left behind at a friend's wedding when I changed into my bridesmaid's dress. By the time that my first real salary cheques allowed me to binge purchase in the late 1990s-early 2000s, the brand was turning sour and I knew it, but bought anyway, clouded by memories of prior glories as I chased earlier aspirations. A couple of years later, I'd donated the clothing and thought I had learned a lesson--not to trust high street brands.

A series of similar but milder infatuations followed. Marc by Marc Jacobs, Rebecca Taylor, Jill Stuart--but none were exclusive and as I only bought on sale, I didn't end up with much excess. Amongst my buys were items I liked and wore, but a few gaudy dresses and ugly tops ended up in charity bags. Then I discovered Lyell, which actually was a pretty good, if--or perhaps because--it produced so few items. What little I didn't wear then, I sold. And while there are pieces I'm still hanging onto in the hopes that I can slim down enough to wear again, I know they can be sold if necessary, leaving me without too much of a loss. Lyell's craftsmanship, vintage style and lack of excessive adornment meant it didn't date badly and was appropriate for day to day life. The fact that it ran small also prevented me from buying as much as I'd have liked, limiting stupid purely brand-centred purchases (and, yes, there were a few). 

I'd loved Mayle from afar but when I could afford it on sale I made a few judicious purchases--shoes that I wore to death, coats that are still in regular rotation, a couple of workhorse dresses and blouses. If the brand hadn't closed and I hadn't gone crazy, perhaps all would have been fine. But the end of the label, for me and others, spurred a frenzy of inappropriate label-centred purchases, mainly of the dregs of the line but sometimes of beautiful pieces that didn't fit. Tops and dresses that pulled over shoulders and hips teamed with muddy olive silk dresses now rest in the back of my wardrobe, devoid of the crazy value they briefly possessed in those days of collective madness. I sadly recognised that some pieces would never fit and sold them but didn't cash the checks which lie in books to this day, as I know I have to finally email those friends and ask for something in return for the dresses I sold and never wore. Jane Mayle's depressing pop-ups with their poorly made and strangely designed clothes pretty much ended the brand's cult value and eroded my investments.

Post-Mayle, there were other brands that tempted me but seeming bad luck saved me from more stupid shopping. Rachel Comey--lovely dresses (including one of my favourite workhorses) but price hikes, erratic sizing and uncomfortable shoes made me cautious, leaving me with a few dresses from Gilt that never really fit and a sample sale buy that was disastrously small. A Detacher was always too pricey and hard to find, Suno looked great at first but odd sizings and strange materials caused me to pass after one purchase. Timo Weiland appealed but then looked too junior. I couldn't afford Mary Katrantzou even at Top Shop. Then there was the new Tocca, designed by Emma Fletcher, whose clothing ran typically very small and was barely available anywhere, especially in the size 10s that I needed.

My Mayle binges caused me to rethink. I filled wardrobe gaps with cheaper mass market brands. J Crew cashmere was pretty good (although it pilled) until they opted for a cheaper supplier and could be bought for a decent price on sale. Club Monaco had good cashmere, reliable skirts and trousers. I'd liked their clothing when I first moved to NYC as it played with trends creatively without ripping off more well known brands. Even though Zara are less than admirable in their production, labour practices and fabrics (and have tiny sizing), there were pieces there for me. As for Madewell, I exerted self-restraint as I'm trying to break the pattern of buying nondescript, ugly or inappropriate clothes just because the label and discounts are both right.

Two events really brought home the stupidity of my brand loyalty. First, the gradual rebrand of Club Monaco. The higher quality, more minimalist brand I liked started to change a couple of years ago--at first, it seemed, for the better. Their dresses started to improve--away from the workwear or party binary. Then the flagship on 5th Avenue closed for a redesign, away from its probably somewhat tired 1990s-early 2000s minimalism. While I love beaux arts and Victorian gingerbread, the reopened store seemed wrong. Beautiful but somewhat off. It reaffirmed what I had already gleaned from the pile of unremarkable reduced clothing in my bedroom--there was a new design team and their clothes were tacky. Overdesigned, over-embellished, with a much smaller fit (my old size 8s were bigger than the new 12s) and cheaper fabrics, chasing trends that didn't exist, these were not the clothes of yore. My habit of scouring their sales and outlet abruptly ended as I recognized what was in front of me, not my memories and imagination. 

The second epiphany occurred last week. I think I'd have said that Tocca was my favourite brand in my price range (even though it stretched those limits), but I now recognise that was another spell based around a couple of earlier collections and a couple of coats. I went to my third Tocca sample sale last week, hoping for some size 10s that were not small 6s in disguise. My hopes were briefly raised as I saw the size 10-12 rack stuffed with a variety of this season's coloured items--until I noticed it was the size 0s where the 10-12 rack used to be. 8, 10 and 12 were now together, except they have never made 12 in the Emma Fletcher era. There were about 3 or 4 pieces in a 10--a tiny jacket, a small shirt I'd seen in the last two sales (a size 4-6 in real sizes at best) and two heavy woolen sleeveless dresses. I did buy the coat I wanted in an 8, but after another rant about their sizes, I woke up. The coat wasn't that great and the fabric was a cheap wool that attracts threads, dust and hair. It didn't have set in sleeves. And why was I so upset about a brand that doesn't make clothes in my size and is barely sold anywhere that now uses cheaper fabrics and lesser craftsmanship? Why bother when they don't? I did get some nice cream and shower gel, and from now on, that's what I'll get from their sales--like most of their other shoppers.

On final reflection, the clothing I like and wear frequently comes a variety of brands. I never bought any more Joie items just because I liked one dress or  Rails items because I have a couple of nice shirts. I want to be more environmentally and economically responsible in my purchases and removing the blindness of brand loyalty is one important step on that journey. 

Vivetta

Fashion seems to have been in a bit of a rut for a while now, but as I've been in that rut known as over-tired mother with lots to do and no time for herself, the timing has been pretty good.

But the other day, I stumbled on the Italian brand Vivetta. I probably can't fit into anything they make and don't want to spend a ton on clothes that don't fit. It's not easy to find over here (nothing on ebay) and what little is on sale is in the tiniest sizes. so it will remain a fantasy for the moment. Here's some pieces I'd buy if I could afford it and fit into them.

Following Amanda's Example

Today is that rare day when I have work to do but enough time to do it and have an hour or two to myself (something I won't have for another couple of weeks at least as it's advising time for the spring semester). I've gone to our wonderful Thursday toddler jitterbug class with Severin (it may be one of the best hours of the week for both of us), booked doctors appointments (a wtf for me, vaccines for the boy), bought some fruit and veg, cuddled a cat and caught up on some email. Grading awaits, but I know the papers are good and I'll be able to get them done in time.

I was over at Amanda's fabulous blog, and as I'm also procrastinating and luxuriating in having this hour to myself, I thought I'd answer the same questions.

1. What are you wearing?
Rails shirt, Gap jeans, no socks.

2. Have you ever been in love?
Of course

3. Have you even gone through a horrible breakup?
Hopefully never again.

4. How tall are you?
5 ft. 9in.

5. How much do you weigh?

More than I want after having Severin. I'm making good progress and will hopefully be back on the right side of 150 lbs soon. 

6. Do you have tattoos?
One that's not as artful as I would have liked. Perhaps it's best not to do something on the spur of the moment to celebrate getting your Ph.D. But the memories almost make it worthwhile.

7. Do you have piercings?
Ears--two in one, one in the other (with one probably healing up due to laziness)

8. What is the ideal couple to you?
Mum and Dad. Nanna and Grandad.

9. Your favourite TV show?
Way too many--who doesn't love TV? A few favourites include The Avengers (Diana Rigg vintage), I'm Alan Partridge, Saxondale, Twin Peaks, Beverly Hills 90210, Bagpuss, Pipkins and Pogle's Wood. I'm also fond of Downton Abbey, The Bletchley Circle, Location, Location, Location, Grand Designs and a host of trash, including The Only Way Is Essex and Say Yes to the Dress.

10. Your favourite band?
Stereolab

11. Something you're missing?
Mum, Dad, friends from home, England, double cream, smoked haddock, proper chocolate.

12. Your favourite song?
I can't pick just one.

13. How old are you?
The wrong side of 35.  Inside, I think I'm about 32-33.

14. What's your astrological sign?
Cancer.

15. An essential quality for a boyfriend?
Can't be selfish.

16. Favourite Quote?
Last line of Middlemarch: "for the growing good of the world is partly dependent on unhistoric acts; and that things are not so ill with you and me as they might have been is half owing to the number who lived faithfully a hidden life, and rest in unvisited tombs."

17. Favourite Actor?
Presuming this means male, I'd say James Mason, Jimmy Stewart (for his work with Hitchcock), Claude Rains (because he's the man) and then there's probably a slew of others I can't remember,  I have even more favourite actresses...

18. Favourite Colour?
Green.

19. Do you listen to music at a low or high volume?
Medium. But I also really enjoy silence.

20. Where do you go when you are sad?
Somewhere safe, where I can be alone or cuddle the ones I love--human and feline. I'm a Cancer and I sometimes turn into a cat.

21. How long do you stay in the shower?
Too long. Ideally 20-30 minutes if I can. It's a great place to think.

22. How long does it take to get ready in the morning?
Five minutes--brush teeth, wash face, comb hair and get dressed. Unless you factor in having a shower and coffee.

23. Did you ever get in a fight?
Yes. I have brothers.

24. Something that seduces you in a man?
Kindness, sense of humour. 

25. The most repelling thing in a man?

Violence, aggression, selfishness--and bad hygiene. Smoking. Inability to earn a living and take responsibility for himself.

26. Why do you have a blog?
As a keepsake, to surprise myself in years to come. Because it's like a message in a bottle--you throw it out there and wonder what will happen and who (if anybody) will see it.

27. What are you afraid of?
Death and illness--my own, my family and friends. Anything happening to Severin. Never having another child.

28. The last thing that made you cry?
The thought of never having a daughter or another son.

29. The last time you said "I love you"?
To Severin about 30 minutes ago when he went out for pizza with his sitter.

30. What does your blog name mean?
Nothing. It's a stupid, crappy name because all the good ones had been used, mostly by people who then blogged once or twice. It's the result of desperation, throwing words together until I found something--anything--that hadn't been taken. It's terrible, embarrassing and I know it. I hate it.

31. The latest book you read?
Jason Priestley's autobiography (I still love Beverly Hills 90210).

32. What are you currently reading?
Both Michael Ankerich's Mae Murray: The Girl With the Bee-Stung Lips and Lon and Debra Davis, Francis X. Bushman: King of the Movies.

33. The latest TV series you watched?
Project Runway and True Tori (as mentioned, I really am a big Beverly Hills 90210 fan)

34. The last person you talked to?
Severin's babysitter's sister. The last sentient being I spoke to was Blue the cat.

35. Who did you last text with?
Evan, Lisa and Andrew.

36. Your favourite food?
Tom Kha Gai, wild salmon, good raspberries, good peaches, avocadoes, mum's chicken, mushroom and leek pie, and English or Belgian milk chocolate. And those amazing chocolate dipped fresh cream meringues that my grandmother used to get from Oelrichs.

37. Places you want to visit?
The pyramids, Florence, Paris, Berlin

38. The last place you visited?
Pittsburgh, PA. I was in a wedding.

39. Are you currently sweet on someone?
My baby boy.

40. The last person you kissed?
Severin.

41. The last insult you were told?
I have no idea--but it probably came from the passive aggressive student I dealt with last week.

42. Your favourite candy flavour?
Don't have one. Unless it's chocolate

43. Do you play an instrument?
Clarinet and some piano.

44. Your favourite piece of jewelry? .
Tie between my grandmother's delicate rose gold watch and my rose gold S necklace with his date of birth on the back.

45. The last sport session you practiced?
Too long ago to know for sure, but it was probably pilates.

46. The latest song you sang?
Theme tune to Raa Raa, The Noisy Little Lion this morning

47. Your favourite catch phrase?
My grandmother's--"more haste, less speed."

48. Have you ever used it?
All the time, but only to myself.

49. Your last evening out?
Class of 2005 NYU MA reunion a couple of weeks ago. Hopefully there will be another one next year.

50. Who are you tagging?
Anybody who may be reading this. Which could be nobody.